LESSON 4 PSP TRAINING: Asking Questions

It's Not About You

Jesus’ mentoring and tutoring arose out of His divinity, of which I testify, and often occurred in the form of searching questions. Neal A Maxwell

LESSON 4:  LEARN AND PRACTICE EFFECTIVE MENTORING SKILLS: Asking Questions - Basic Principles of Mentoring Part 3

What is most important for mentors to know? 

·        Asking good questions is the foundation of good mentoring

·        Good listening is another way we demonstrate that we care

What is most important for mentors to do?

·        The mentors will focus much of their mentoring on asking good questions

·        Mentors will exhibit good listening skills

What is most important for mentors to believe?

Mentors will believe that those they are mentoring are their equals and will foster healthy adult relationships with them

What kind of person will mentors be?

“charity . . . is not puffed up”

Don’t think that you know the answers and are just there to feed those to them. 

Focus on the other person.  Ask questions to understand and “listen” to the answers – verbal and otherwise. It is not about you. 

 1.        ASKING GOOD QUESTIONS is the foundation of successful mentoring 

a.     If you honestly see them as 1.  a friend; 2. equally valuable; and 3. worth your time; you can be successful in helping them.  But so much of your ability to help them rests upon your honest opinions of the person sitting in front of you. 

 If you’re having problems seeing the mentee as described above, what can you do?

b.     People can feel when you are not sincere – you cannot fool them, you cannot pretend – you can only change yourself and the reasons you formulate opinions of people.  

 What are the reasons we formulate opinions of others?

c.      The person asking the questions is the one in charge of the conversation.  If you are asking questions as you should, then the other person will end up doing most of the talking.  What are some examples of helpful and appropriate questions?

d.     STRATEGY: If you are asking questions and are getting a constant "no" as an answer, switch to "why" “what” and “how” questions that require more than a one-word response.

e.     Encountering resistance?  Address the resistance.  "Why don't you want to talk about this . . ." or “why does it seem that… you are avoiding . . .?”

Discuss topics that might lead to resistance.  Can the way we ask a question also lead to resistance?

f.       WARNING: When we find ourselves wanting to make a statement, we are likely going to inadvertently end the conversation.  Making a statement puts us in a "superior" role - we know more than they do – ask compared to an inquisitive and interested in their life role.

g.     STRATEGY: If you do need to make a statement, preface it with the words "I believe,” “maybe,” or “perhaps” to lighten the sting as much as possible and then quickly bring it back to them talking and you listening. 

2.     WHEN YOU NEED TO TEACH:

How do you switch roles from ASKING QUESTIONS to TEACHING and back to ASKING QUESTIONS?  

A.    STRATEGY: Ask a simple question like.  Would you like some ideas that might help you make a decision?  Or can I share with you a thought I have on the subject?

·        STRATEGY:  Share what you think they need to know in a factual and informational way – not emotional or philosophical.

·        STRATEGY:  Then ask for their feedback on the ideas – this will help the transition out of teacher begin.  “What do you think of that idea?”  “Do you think you would be interested in trying something like that?”  “How does that sound to you?” etc.

·        STRATEGY: Lastly, thank them for listening to you and then ask additional questions to help the conversation further itself. 

3.       DEALING WITH COMMITMENTS 

A.    What kind of commitments might you ask a mentee to make?

B.     Broken commitments will happen.  How will you respond?

C.     STRATEGY: The first time someone doesn't follow through, give them the benefit of the doubt.  Start kindly "I may have been in the wrong spot but I missed you. . ." or even take responsibility to the mishap: “I am very sorry for missing you.”.    Treat them as an ADULT.

D.    STRATEGY: Ask right up front:  "Why did this happen?"  It’s OK to let them fail and learn from their mistakes – just like we do every day. How can this become a great teaching opportunity?

E.     Use the mediation strategy from “Bridges Out of Poverty”.  Ask “What?”, “Why?” and How?”  

F.      A mentee fails to keep an appointment.  Practice using the words above to teach responsibility in an adult voice.

G.    How will you address problems?  In a adult voice.  It helps them feel safe.

      4.     GOOD LISTENING IS THE OTHER SIDE OF ASKING QUESTIONS 

Watch the video entitled "How to be a Good Listener"  Then review together the characteristics of a good listener.

                                i.            Eye contact

                              ii.            Be patient

                           iii.            Do not interrupt

                            iv.            Ask Questions

                              v.            Relate to the topic

                            vi.            Use positive body language

                         vii.            Do not get distracted

                       viii.            Be open minded/ listen to understand

                            ix.            Be empathetic

                              x.            Remember what people say.

Practice and invite

    1.     PRACTICE:  The practice for this lesson comes in lesson 5.

    2.     INVITE:  For each planned visit this week, think through what you hope to accomplish and make a list of the questions you would like to ask.

Resources:  

1.     Lesson 4 Asking Questions and Listening

2.     POWER POINT Lesson 4 It’s Not About You

3.       Video: "How to be a Good Listener"

A POWER POINT PRESENTATION FOR EACH LESSON AS WELL AS COPIES OF ALL VIDEOS USED IN OUR TRAINING ARE ON THE DVD OF MENTOR TRAINING MATERIALS THAT IS INCLUDING IN THE MENTOR TRAINING MANUAL.