Seek first to Understand
Ask Him
(the Lord) to help you see others as He sees them, and that might help you
remember that the conversation is about understanding others’ perspectives
while helping them understand yours. Religious
Freedom LDS Church site
LESSON
3: LEARN AND PRACTICE EFFECTIVE
MENTORING SKILLS: (Understanding the Culture of Poverty)
What
is most important for mentors to know?
·
There are three separate classes in
America, each with its own hidden rules
·
Understanding these classes will allow
mentors to understand the decisions and choices made by the people in each
group
·
The definition of poverty will
govern our approach to mentoring
·
The Culture of Poverty has patterns
that will become evident during the mentoring process
·
Seeking to understand leads to
unconditional love which is essential for success as a mentor
·
Mentors will understand the
“tyranny of the moment”
·
Mentors will understand the many
obstacles that face mentees who want to change their lives
What is most important
for mentors to do?
·
Become accustomed to the patterns
found in poverty
·
Always use the adult voice
·
Discard judgment and love
unconditionally those being mentored
·
Teach the hidden rules of the
middle class
·
Mediate to help mentees gain
success
What is most important
for mentors to believe?
·
The worth of souls is great in the
sight of God - just as they are
·
Those in poverty can qualify for
the celestial kingdom
What
kind of person will mentors be?
From Moroni 7:45 “charity . . .
thinketh no evil”
Do not judge or be judgmental. Seek to understand where the mentees are coming
from. Recognize that “my way” is not
always best and even if it were best, the mentor’s job is to empower the
mentees to create “their way”.
Learn together
Elders and Sisters, this training is going to focus
on people (mentees) who are living in poverty. The book “Bridges Out of Poverty”,
and its study guide will be used
throughout our time together.
We recognize that not everyone you will work with
will be coming out of poverty; however, it is very likely that many will. We
are also aware that not all of the rules and patterns used to describe those in
poverty will apply to every person; nonetheless, it is probable that you will
see most of these behaviors at one time or another. It is our hope that what we learn will help
us all to be more effective mentors as we come to better understand the rules
and patterns of poverty.
1. INTRODUCTION: Read and ponder pages 5-6 of the Study Guide. Give attention to the following concepts that
mentors MUST understand:
·
nonjudgmental
framework allows us to respect one another
·
tyranny
of the moment
·
future
story
·
creating
choices
·
developing
his or her own power
2. UNDERSTANDING MENTAL MODELS: Complete
the assignment on pages 7 and 8 in your study guide, creating mental models for
both poverty and middle class. Then do
the following:
o
Compare
the mental models you created to the mental models on pages 9 and 10 in the
study guide. What did you already
know? What did you miss?
o
Why
is it critical that we understand both of these two models?
Now look at the mental models on pages 9 and 10 of the study
guide and think about how those who live in poverty interact with the agencies
noted in the smaller circles near the top of the page. Compare that to how those who do not live in
poverty interact with the same agencies.
3. UNDERSTANDING HIDDEN RULES: Watch the
video: "Hidden Rules" by Rita Pierson.
Think about our own LDS culture and identify
some of our LDS hidden rules such as referring to one another as
"brother" and "sister".
Read aloud page 21 of the study guide. Then watch the Ruby Payne video: “What Every Church Leader Should Know about Poverty" - first two stories.
Can think of a similar story when church members tried to fix
someone who had not asked for the help?
Read page 22 of the study guide from the top of the page through the section
entitled "Observations About Hidden Rules". Then in
the section called "Application Discussion", answer for yourself questions
4, 5, and 7.
4. UNDERSTANDING ECONOMIC CLASSES:
Complete the worksheets “Could you survive in Poverty?” “Could you survive in
Middle Class?” “Could you Survive in
Wealth?” (Handouts) 5 min
1. Follow the instructions to put a
check by each item you know how to do.
As you read the lists, certain things will stand out. Double check those items. What makes those items stand out for you?
·
Were
you aware that we actually have separate "classes" with their own
rules in America?
·
What
stuck out for you as you read
through these pages?
·
Did
you mostly check the boxes on the Middle Class page?
·
If
you go by the assumption that "everyone" knows how to do the things
on the middle class page, how will that affect your relationship with those you
mentor?
5.
UNDERSTANDING
THE DEFINITION OF POVERTY
The US Government defines poverty based solely on income. In LDS church literature it states that the
poor are those who “lack the skills, knowledge and resources necessary to
become self-reliant”. Bridges Out of
Poverty defines is as "the extent to which an individual does without
resources". Those models of poverty support each
other. Certainly, skills and knowledge
are resources.
Read the section entitled "Resources" on page 29 of the study
guide. Match that list of resources to
the Personal Storehouse Box on the handout “PSP Box vs Bridges Resources”. Some
of the Bridges resources could go on more than one shelf in the PSP Box.
When you use the PSP Box to do an assessment,
what are you actually assessing?
Differentiate between resources that sustain life and
resources that allow someone to become self-reliant. What is the mentor’s role in both of those
situations? Why is the knowledge of
hidden rules a resource?
STRATEGY: (Getting by vs Getting Ahead Strategy)
Ask the mentee to analyze what resources are helping them to just “get
by”. Change every “getting by” resource to a “getting ahead” resource. (Transition to Success 19 Domains Worksheet found
in the Lesson 6 folder would be helpful here)
6. UNDERSTANDING PATTERNS IN
GENERATIONAL POVERTY
Watch the power point: Patterns in Generational Poverty. (Available
as a pdf document for those who do not have power point) Please jot down
anything that strikes you as you watch the presentation. The paragraph at the beginning of this lesson
is pertinent here. You will not see all
of these patterns but you will see many of them in different situations. It is important to understand that these are
normal patterns that you must respectfully work with.
7. UNDERSTANDING
FORMAL AND CASUAL LANGUAGE AND STORY STRUCTURE
·
How
would you describe the difference between formal vs casual language?
·
When
is casual language a strength? When does
it become a problem?
·
When
is formal language a strength? When does
it become a problem?
8. UNDERSTANDING Hidden Rules and Patterns in Mentoring Situations
Read the worksheet: “How the Hidden Rules and Patterns may be
seen as you mentor”.
Think about which of these behaviors
are most likely to become a barrier to the success of those you mentor. Much of your mentoring will revolve around
teaching middle class rules and problem solving as you confront these
issues. Remember the hidden rules and
patterns are not in themselves a problem that you need to fix. It is just that until the mentee has also
gained an understanding of the middle class rules, it will be hard for him or
her to navigate middle class educational, work and even church settings.
9. UNDERSTANDING MEDIATION AND TOOLS FOR
BUILDING FUTURE STORY
Read the definition of
mediation on page 36 of the Study Guide.
It is the process of
telling an individual what to pay attention to, why that is important, and how
to handle it. Practice mediation skills
by creating a mediation statement for a young child who wants to cross a busy
street.
Now create a mediation
for these situations. Mediation works
best when you know the other person well and understand the dynamics of his/her
life and relationships.
·
a
mentee has a job interview tomorrow and is thinking of not going because of
fear
Possible answer: “I can tell you
are still worried about the interview tomorrow.
It is really important for you to do to this interview because this
would be such a good job for you and for your family situation. Let’s get together this evening and do some
more practice interview questions so that you will feel more confident.)
·
a
mentee is considering letting her old boyfriend move back in with her even
though he is using drugs
Possible answer: Your
plan to let George move back in with you is really making me nervous. Every time in the past that he came back into
your life, you ended up using again. You
have been clean for over a year now. If
you are doing this so he will help with rent, let’s start looking at some other
options to increase your monthly income.
·
a
mentee is needing to use a tax refund to pay some bills but knows his friends
will be wanting a piece of that money
Possible answer: You have a tax refund that should come
pretty soon. That money will be really
important for you to finally get some of those bills paid and get out of
debt. But I am worried because you have
a few friends who know this money is coming.
I know your relationships are really important and that sharing what you
have is also an important part of those relationships. Let’s see if we can get this tax refund
directly funded to your bills so that it doesn’t touch your hands and put you
in a position where you would feel the need to share. Would you be willing to work with us to get
this done?
Read together the statement in the box on page 36 of the
study guide. Why Is it important to be
able to do this type of mediation?
10.
UNDERSTANDING THE ADULT, CHILD, AND PARENT
VOICES
Now read the Three Voices section on pages 112 through the
top of page 114 in the book Bridges Out of Poverty. Then examine the handout for the Three
Voices. Think about why it is absolutely
essential that mentors use the adult voice.
A couple tips to help mentors:
·
Rank
defeats relationships. You MUST be seen
as a peer. The peers of those who live
in poverty are never going to do for them what they can do for themselves. This is a problem that arises when there is
RANK.
·
No
one wants to be perceived as NEEDY. We
all want to be NEEDED. Help those you
mentor to feel needed. Call upon your
ward council to help with this.
11. Read the HANDOUT or Watch the Power
Point Video “What Will you do
Differently?” Think about how you will
use what you have learned to be a better mentor.
Resources:
- Bridges Out of Poverty Book
- Bridges Out of Poverty Study Guide
- Personal Storehouse Project Training Manual
- HANDOUT: The Three Voices
- HANDOUT: Could You Survive in Poverty, Middle Class, Wealth?
- HANDOUT: PSP Shelves compared to the Bridges List of Needed Resources
- HANDOUT: “How the Hidden Rules may be seen as you mentor”
- HANDOUT: What Will You Do Differently?
- Video: What about Jack? by Rita Pierson (Casual and Formal Register)
- Video: What Every Church Member Should Know about Poverty by Ruby Payne - first two stories
- Video: Hidden Rules by Rita Pierson
- Video: Hidden Rules of Time and Money by Ruby Payne
- Video: The Three Voices by Ruby Payne and Rita Pierson
- Video: My Mamma Said by Rita Pierson
A POWER POINT PRESENTATION FOR EACH LESSON AS WELL AS COPIES OF ALL VIDEOS USED IN OUR TRAINING ARE ON THE DVD OF MENTOR TRAINING MATERIALS THAT IS INCLUDING IN THE MENTOR TRAINING MANUAL.
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